HERE IS WHAT IS

SOMETHING NEW.....

2012-01-23T05:48:00.001-08:00

Wow. Time really does fly! Happy New Year everybody!Above is a photo from The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. The imagery and cinematography in this film are stunning. I love Lisbeth's aesthetic. Something of myself in her for sure...so what's new? I started a Red Dwarf blog, you can read it here...RedDwarfBlog

It's in it's infancy phase right now and I an currently working on some new writings for it so stay tuned! Also I am working on an Etsey Shop!! how exciting!!! I will be featuring my handmade cards as well as collaged/ gold leafed cigar tins and some larger collage tryptics..very excited! After years of people telling me I should open a shop and sell so here I go! for examples of what I do check out my flikr profile on the right columb of this blog. In other news, in February I will be turning 39! And I will be going back to B.C. for a visit, for which I am very excited. The ocean! the mom and dad! the friends! I hope the weather is better than it has been as I plan to do alot of walking. Stay tuned my friends and thanks for reading!

WINTER IS COMING...

2011-12-01T06:52:00.001-08:00

Here is us at Halloween! I forgot to post this photo last month but I think we look great, so here it is. It's been busy at the store these days, my hands and fingers are like steel now! so much felt, so little time! B's Birthday was great, we had a party at his brothers house/loft and there were yummy snacks and some beautiful but deadly Elderflower liqueur..discussing going to Florida again this winter, but going around my Birthday so that I could be on a boat in the Ocean for my 39th!! Happy December!

REMEMBER, REMEMBER...

2011-11-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

I really don't feel like it has been that long since my last missive......and yet it's been a month. Happy Guy Fawkes Day everyone!! I bought a mask for the Occupy Toronto protest and so this morning took a picture of me in it for my Facebook status....funny how attached to anonymous it is now...when really I feel they are not just about government change, they are about world change/system change..did I mention I t-boned a car yesterday because the brakes on my bike finally gave up. I have a huge bruise on my leg where my seat gouged into it. I am not looking forward to riding the TTC this week, I frelling HATE it so much. Might spend the morning trying to figure out all the uses of Google+ because I think it's good, I'm just so used to FB and how it works. yuck. conditioned.....have a good day....

THINGS ARE AFOOT....

2011-10-07T06:05:00.000-07:00

Hello! Thesr fall days are going quickly! trying to decide how to winterproof my home and my brain..it is going to be a cold one this year I think. I say that a lot! Grand plans are in the works..stay tuned for exciting changes about to happen!! Happy October everyone!

OCTOBER IS GRAND...

2011-10-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

Things over here in Toronto have been busy! I forgot that in the fashion world there are two main seasons and the fall is in full swing...my fingers hurt regularly from blocking so much felt! I have been on the hunt for the perfect fall coat, this year I am determined not to freeze. Last winter I was wet and cold most of the time and I don't want a repeat!..still have grand plans for decorating my place, maybe this winter will be the time to paint and put up some shelves we shall see. Most times in the winter all I feel like doing is eating potatoes and having hot showers. October is such a great time of year though, I am excited about Halloween and pumpkin carving! Uploaded new photos of my cards to flickr as well as some sketches..see above...

ANOTHER WEDNESDAY......

2011-07-27T06:58:00.000-07:00

Today promises to be lovely, the sun is shining, the air is clear, and I managed to take the garbage out in time for the truck. I am going to write letters, drink coffee and try and go outside. I am taking care of my friends garden and the prospect of sitting amongst the tomato plants and the teeny roses is is beckoning. Going to try and do some illustration today, see above for an example of my newest obsession...drawing ribbons!!! going to try and get a website going too....sigh so much to do! have a good day everyone!

AND SO......

2011-07-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

Really enjoyed the cottage this long weekend, we went up on Wednesday night and came back on Sunday..the levee was awesome, lots of families and lots of sunshine and swimming! bbq, drinks, family time it was great. Except being attacked my mosquitos the size of cherry tomatoes!...I can't believe I have been here for a year already! I really dig Toronto, I am glad I moved..there is so much going on in this city, but I never feel pressure to catch something just because it might not come back around...there;s stuff all the time and lots of people doing them. it's exciting.

A WALKABOUT....

2011-06-22T07:50:00.000-07:00

Getting inspired by all the heritage buildings in my neighborhood these days, found a book at the flea market all about cabbagetown. I am going to the Necropolis today the cemetery in Riverdale to take photos and bike around...

PLATONIC SOLIDS

2011-06-17T05:43:00.000-07:00

Had a lovely night last night. Ate poutine, practiced drawing a dodecahedron and watched twilight. Every so often I get an image or design in my head and I need to research it draw it absorb it. And so it is with the geometry of Platonic Solids. I became aware of the dodecahedron when doing research into the golden ratio and the sacred geometry in art. Leonardo Davinci was particularly absorbed with this form in nature and in an alchemical sense. I think it is beautiful.

2011-05-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/the-book-surgeon-15-pieces
WOW...just wow..

10 YEAR REUNION..

2011-05-22T07:10:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this but 10 years after my trip to Europe I am going again! yay! I promised Italy I would be back, and it will be so. Milan. Maybe Greece, maybe Paris...we shall see. I had forgotten how much I miss the real world and different spaces. travel! hope springs eternal.

THE DAYS GO BY....

2011-05-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

Well another wednesday rolls around..today I did the laundry and went for another walk on the Don. I like this walk, it is visually stimulating as well as being good exercise..wrote letters....drank coffee..all in all a good day off. I feel I am slowly finding myself again. Reconnecting with that inner voice is so important...have plans for a painting for the living room and going to pimp my cards out to shops in Toronto...sigh...work day today....fun later...

NEW ADVENTURES...

2011-05-09T05:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend was so great! I went for a power walk along the Don River towards Cherry beach and the trail was awesome. I found the "lampost" too! The weather was great and I really worked up a sweat. I will definitely be doing it again. Sunday I had a great talk with my Mom, I cleaned the fencing in our back yard to get it ready to paint, I called 1-800-got junk and they came and took away all the stuff that was left in the back yard and the living room so now there is so much space!! I re-arranged the living room and put up a couple of new pictures. The back yard has so much potential, I wnt to get some Adanak chairs for sun-sitting and I don't know if it will happen this year but boxes for gardening and flowers..I would like to put Hasta's in there too so pretty and pointy...

2011-04-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

As the days get warmer, I am more inspired to cook and to decorate. I suppose this is what they call spring fever. We will be getting the flooring for our living room soon which pleases me to no end. I am looking forward to the long hot summer nights with all three patio doors open so it feels we are sitting in the yard, the cool breeze caressing our legs as we sip some luscious cold beverage and take in an old movie or two....thinking of taking the lattice's off the doors for a better view and planting some hasta's for the shady part of the yard. They are such lovely arrow shaped plants! pleasing to the eye and low maintenance. I am looking forward to this week, as I will only be working three days because of the holiday on Friday, and on Wednesday I go from having black hair with bad gray roots to platinum white! can't wait...off to shop for the weeks groceries and to make some pineapple carrot muffins. cheers! Jeff.

AND THE BEAT GOES ON...

2011-04-03T06:48:00.000-07:00

Sunday rolls around again and I find myself wishing I didn't have to go to work today! not that I usually work Sundays, but I feel I have things I need to do today that can't be done as efficiently during the week. Started cleaning the back yard up a bit to get ready for some nicer weather, and did a sketch of the layout to brainstorm some gardening ideas....I have decided I do like my new haircut, but can;t decide what to do with the roots, black hair dye doesn't stay in it for long anymore and it looks silly. I might try and grow out the roots long enough to go bleach blonde, but I am not sure. I have been a blue/black brunette for so long I don't know if I would suit it long term. We shall see.....

2011-03-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

Another week done. I went to the Tim Burton exhibit at the TIFF on Wednesday, it was amazing! I was very impressed with all of the sketches and little pieces of paper with his ideas written down on them and what not. The Edward Scissorhands costume was there which was so lovely to look at up close!I never realized how much his movies and esthetic have influenced my own, I mean I always loved stripes and black and red together, but it's eerie, and now I can't tell which came first the chicken or the egg!ha ha ha.... I am feeling much better these days.I think the winter funk I was in is dissipating. I am feeling inspired to sketch and collect some new art supplies to keep it going. I am also dreaming of moving to France, so much so I have actually looked into taking French lessons. I did take french in school but being from BC I have never had a chance to speak it. I know the info is in my head and I think that it would come back to me with some encouragement. Going to make carrot cake today and relax with a good book.

BACK ON THE HORSE...(no I don't mean heroin)

2011-03-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

So I am still here, even thought it's been a while. They say you should never apologize for being away from your blog repeatedly but hey, I'm sorry. I have had a hard winter. I think we only know these things in retrospect, when we are feeling better we then realize where we were coming from. I made it though, and it wasn't that dark I guess. It was my first winter away from home in quite a few years, and there was a lot of snow and cold cold cold! Been feeling good these days and I can smell spring right around the corner. My bike is going to go into the shop and I will be riding it to work soon. Drawing a bit, writing a bit, slowly coming out of my shell and remembering who I am and what I like.

NEW YEAR...NEW WORDS.....

2011-01-19T05:57:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! The Christmas season went off without a hitch this year. Technically it is my second Christmas in Toronto, having visited last year before the move but this year I have a house and we had a lovely tree! all silver and blue. It smelled so good. Just like the olden times (I used to say that when I was a kid)....We are going on a road trip to Florida!!! I will be posting pictures and notes while we are gone so stay tuned!

2010-11-21T07:57:00.000-08:00

So I am considering starting another blog. This one about hats and all things millinery. I have been in the hat business now for over 10 years, and since I am an apprentice milliner now, I thought writing about it would be fun. Maybe videos of how to, my acquisition of supplies and things to get started at home sketches and ideas for hats, links to places to buy hats etc.....need a good name though..

2010-10-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

So this weekend we will go up to the cottage. I am really looking forward to not being in the city! it will be nice to chill out and just read. (the new David Sedaris!!) and Brian is going to cook Irish stew for us(me and Laura).....I have been kickboxing for about two weeks now and I love it. Looking forward to some house related projects next weekend too..a new dresser (old) that is art deco needs refinishing and I am going to splurge on a bed frame at Ikea I think.

2010-10-11T08:57:00.000-07:00

my living room. Turkey day was great. We went to Brian's parents house and stuffed ourselves silly( and did the laundry!) Sunday's were meant for this. Today is a relaxing day, of course I do plan on washing the floors and going through my clothes too. At least with the leftovers, I wont have to cook today!

A NEW PERSPECTIVE....

2010-10-03T08:45:00.000-07:00

Well it's another cloudy Sunday at home. The new stove has been working wonders on my house self asteem. I have made cookies and banana bread so far. The Big City Life is going ok. I like Toronto. I am feeling pretty lonley though. Don't get me wrong, I love my man and my home but I do need to make some new friends soon. The girls at work are warm and friendly and that helps a lot, but there is something to be said for being in the presence of someone who has known you for years. There is less pressure, more freedom of speech and a relaxedness(sp) that comes with knowing them too. I miss Ange. She has been the woman who has known me inside and out for 20+ years now.

FOLLOW ME!!

2010-10-03T08:10:00.000-07:00

Follow my blog with bloglovin

OK..I AM NOT GIVING UP..

2010-09-28T04:43:00.000-07:00

I have decided to hang on. Keep going. All that good stuff. I believe I have something to offer and something to say. I am going to do some (more) research and regroup. I want this thing to have legs.

IT'S BEEN A WHILE...

2010-09-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

I have been having a crisis of identity lately and have not felt like blogging. I don't know if I will continue or not. I am also not sure I really have time to blog about things these days. I am feeling like everyone has a blog, and what difference does it make if I am on here or not? I have to do it because I want to and if it makes me happy. I don't know if it does. Maybe a change of format is in order. We shall see...

A WEST COAST SUNDAY...

2010-08-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

The rain started yesterday around suppertime and has continued into today. It is a cool reprieve from the humidity and the heat of the Toronto summer. The french doors off of my living room are open and the gentle mist wafts in. I know days like this. Days where the smell of the ocean come right in and up your nostrils. Where the green is saturated and dripping and everything feels alive. A good day to be curled up on the couch with your favorite book you've read a hundred times, safe, warm and drowsy.

WHEN THINGS START CHANGING, CHANGE FEELS GOOD

2010-07-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

OK, so I do feel like I am constantly apologizing for not writing enough, and I know I said it was to be a twice weekly posting, Mea Culpa........Last week I went to
Galliano Island to visit my therapist and his wife (and assisting nurse) to say goodbye. At first I felt like I had so much to do in town that I didn't want to sacrifice a whole day to go over, but it turned out to be perfect. They got a new puppy, and I had a really nice conversation about life and the choices we make and what it's like to live relatively neurosis free....I say relatively because no one is completely, free I think. But at least I am no longer motivated to destructive behavior by them. I used to think I was doing no harm, when in fact I was harming myself, believing that negative inner voice, my therapist calls the "interject". It is the cumulation of all the negative feedback you got from one or either parent, whomever was you primary caregiver, all in a continuous feedback loop in your head....telling you you aren't tall enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not strong enough, not capable.

STRESS WILL NOT EAT ME ALIVE....

2010-06-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

O.k. so this week was really maniacal. All my projects are due at school at once, I had a huge garage sale to sell off my stuff because I am moving at the end of the month, and oh yeah, did I mention I am moving at the end of the month?across the country? I
cried everyday at least twice. Thank God my CAD teacher grew up with sisters and he just talked through the tears until I could re-focus. I have learned a lot about my coping mechanisms..more importantly, that I HAVE coping mechanisms...When I was a young woman, and I thought the World owed me something, I could get almost anyone to so anything for me. I am not saying that to brag. I mean that my coping mechanism at that time in my life was to sweet talk someone else into doing my dirty work, and I though that was how the world functioned. Not here in this reality. In this reality I am responsible for everything I do and say. I trouble shoot for myself, I dig up the resources to deal with it all. I can do it. I am strong. I wasn't before. I didn't have the self confidence to look inside and find it..mostly because back then it just wasn't there.

STRESS LEVELS THROUGH THE ROOF...

2010-06-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

So I am a terrible person. I have not been keeping my commitment to my blog. It's hard to do when it doesn't seem to make a difference wether I write or not. It does make me feel better. I do get to say things I want. I guess I need to take a break. My life is crazy right now, I have two weeks left of school, I am selling everything I own, I need to fly my cats to Toronto, I have to pack everything else, do a change of address, so many things.....so I will take a break from blogging. Thanks for reading..

OK,OK...

2010-05-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

So I have been terrible about writing my blog this past couple of weeks....I guess I bit off a bit more than I can chew right now...the end of school is nearing and I am moving to a new city so what I am going to do now is write once a week and see how that goes.

DID I ALWAYS KNOW? PART2

2010-05-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

Bear with me as I try and condense a complex story into a tiny article! I definitely need to write longer pieces so there is more explanation of things I would also like to say that my early life was not all doom and gloom. I grew up fairly happy. I lived on the beach all summer with my dog, I had friends..it was only when I reached my late teens early 20's when I began feeling really different and struggled with identity and struggled with finding my path in life.

DID I ALWAYS KNOW?

2010-05-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

I always felt a little bit different. I was a precocious child. I demanded a lot of attention. I think if I hadn't grown up on a small island where everyone was pretty laid back, I would have been put on medication right from the get go. These things are in retrospect. I grew up a pretty good kid. Didn't skip any school until grade 11. My mom made my lunches every day until grade 10. I didn't lie. I didn't have teen sex. I was popular. I was called weird a lot, but generally was ok. Except I always felt like I was missing something. I knew some of it was because my Bio-dad was out of the picture early (more on that later) but I had a fantastic step Dad whom I had known since I was 3. Things sometimes seemed to come a little harder to me. I struggled for approval. I struggled with not looking like everyone else, and later in life (around 18) I struggled with myself. I was at war. I knew depression ran in my family. I never really considered myself depressed. Until it stopped happening once in a while and it was happening all the time. It made everything harder.I also thought life was really hard for everyone, not just me. I thought life was supposed to be a battle of wills with the Universe. I lost constantly.But I thought everyone lost. Then when I was 19 I began cutting myself.

NEW STUFF SOON!!

2010-05-07T11:09:00.000-07:00

I have been fine tuning my ideas for this blog and I am getting really excited about starting!so here is my mission statement
1. I will post twice a week. Wednesday and Friday for now, when I move to Toronto, because of a new work schedule this might change.
2. In my articles I will try and offer links to the professionals who can help, or to websites about the subject I am writing.
3. I will NOT EVER claim to be an expert on mental health issues or coping/healing methods, I am writing about what I know from my direct experience.
4.I will always warn readers ahead of time if I think the content of specific blogs are hard to read. This is going to be no holds barred writing, so it could get messy.
5. I will always tell it like I know it. I will never lie, change facts (except maybe names) or doctor up a story for sensationalism.
5. If someone is kind enough to tell me their story or part of their story, I will never betray confidence. I will never tell anyone's secrets except my own.

CHANGE OF BLOG.....

2010-05-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

After doing some thinking about how to reach more people and write about something more people will find interesting, I have decided to change my blog. I do enjoy writing about the everyday stuff in my life, but anyone can do that, and who am I to think that things in my life are that interesting to anyone else but me? I love the fact that some of my nearest and dearest read faithfully. I don't want to change that, but I want to make a difference, I want to help. I want to add something to peoples existence in a positive way. Give something back. That is why I have decided, after digging out my 12 plus journals, that I am going to write about my life as a young girl, the depression, the discovery of repressed memories about my dad molesting me, the pain, the medication, the therapy, the healing and how I got through it. If I can reach one person and let them know they are not alone, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that they are not a freak/outcast/misfit destined to try and eke out a pale existence instead of living a full and authentic life, then I will have done the world a service...it will take me some time to change the blog so I am going to keep posting regular stories about my everyday until then perhaps 2 weeks from now?

DEEP BREATHS.....

2010-04-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

Definitely feeling better daily now. Yesterday I managed to stay in class all day and only really felt gross towards the end. I think the brain zaps are linked to visual information/ stimuli. I ran into my Doctor on my luck break and gave him the run down and he said everything sounded normal, and he congratulated me! I feel I am on the right track! When I go into the kitchen in the morning I still feel the urge to walk onto the bathroom and take my pill, so I don't forget! Old Habits...anyway, onward and upward.

OH SH#T

2010-04-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

So this is day three...day one I felt dizzy and kind of spaced out.Nothing too major.
Day two I felt really raw and fragile, like anything would make me want to cry, and I did end up losing it in front of my teacher and leaving class early. Oh yeah, as well as the tears there was swelling rage irrational, quick and intense. Usually at nothing. Not to mention the brain zaps today that are disorienting and frustrating. I feel strangely liberated though. I know I can do this. I have done it with guidance and care from medical professionals and I feel it is the right time so I will keep going.......

OK< SO I"M FEELING BETTER....

2010-04-24T08:55:00.000-07:00

Whew! I thought I had totally lost it there for a few days. Maybe I did. I was crippled by the lack of funds and the fear of not being able to get to Toronto when I want. I still don't really know how I am going to do it, but I have taken steps, the only steps I can. I placed an add in Craigslist for a ride share possibility, and I am going to host a house/garage sale in June to whittle down my stuff. We shall see. On a fun note, I have my cards in Zydeco now! yyyaaayy. Rae-Anne told me to bring them in and I finally got off my ass and did it! B is going to try and get back to Toronto, I think, because we don't have enough money to live together. Work has been terrible for him right now and I don't make enough for both of us. The love is strong so it's not hideous, but it would be better if we could eat what we wanted, when we wanted, and go out once in a while. Nervous about going cold turkey on Monday ( going off of Effexor)..done lots of reading and consulted with doctors. They suggested taking one every other day for a while but I chickened out, and I think I can do it if there is no more. Hey, if I can kick two serious benzodiazapines, I can kick this....

2010-04-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

I am stressed out. I hate money. I don't know how I am going to make it East in July, I will be homeless, jobless, and broke.wheeeeeeeee

COLD SEASON...IN APRIL?

2010-04-13T10:57:00.001-07:00

ALMOST THERE...

2010-03-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

There are no words to express the relief I feel, having finally completed my Gantt chart!!LOL. I am bout to take my final exam in Project Management and then I am two days away from being free!! going with B on the train Tuesday to Hornby Island to visit a dear friend....can't wait.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO STUCK IN A LITTLE ROOM?

2010-03-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

Well, all these years I thought it could never happen to me again. I was in control tight, tight control. Letting only a little out at a time. Only letting out as much as I could handle at a time. No risks. No challenges. Safe. Choosing who, when , what. Now all of that is out the window. It overcame me like a swell in the ocean. One that looks small as it approaches and then takes you over and sweeps you out into the deep, with a smile on your face. LOVE. Not the fairy princess type of love, or the happily ever after. Real, gritty Love. When just looking at him gives you an adrenaline rush. Drinkin' wine at home into the wee hours, listening to all the music you forgot you owned. Watchin' all the movies you forgot you loved. Just being.

WHO TOLD US THAT?.......

2010-03-16T08:19:00.000-07:00

It's funny, I have spent 9 years actively trying to improve my life and get what I want/need out of it and I feel guilty for feeling that things are right. I have trouble telling people I am having a good life and that I am not too worried about things right now. you see I even qualify with a "right now". I am doing what I want to do with my life, I am with the man I want to be with and love. I am not starving, struggling or angry. Most days I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. It's going to be good.

FERAL CHILD......

2010-03-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

Every so often I get obsessed about a subject and I have to learn everything there is to know about it. This has been going on for years in my brain and I have come to know it as something good, a desire to learn, a need to understand.My newest thing is this girl named Genie who was found in the early 70's in her family home confined to one room and tied to a potty chair. She had been there for 12 years. She couldn't talk. She could barley walk....there are sop many stories like this it makes my heart hurt. I was shocked at how many ....FeralChildren.com... I have decided to do portraits of some of these children, I am fascinated by them..their resilience, their pain.....

HOLD FAST...

2010-03-03T12:08:00.000-08:00

This is the last stretch of the semester and I decided to stay home today. Not to avoid anything but I needed to feel like I had some control over my time. To feel the freedom of not knowing what I am going to do today. The sun is shining bright, the cherry blossoms are frosted pink and white snowflakes drifting lazily over the pavement..my boy sits on the couch across form me and not 3,000 miles away. Life is good.

I WILL BE A DIVORCEE IN TWO DAYS....

2010-02-20T20:58:00.000-08:00

And so, I spend this saturday night drinking shiraz and listening to Primus, Frizzle fry.
Lots of people I know are going through so much these days, parents dying, new babies, old friends surfacing..I have been thinking alot about my past relationships as I am to become officially divorced after 12 years of seperation. What was my role in the failing of my marriage? could I have done something? did I try? Maybe I just didn't know what to expect, and therefore having no model on which to depend, let it fall apart. This time will be different. I can already feel it. This love has a spontaneity to it, a whimsical but intense flavor. A good mix of the old and the new.

MY LOVE FOR BOWIE WILL NEVER DIE....

2010-02-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

So here I am in my final days as a 36 year old...these are some of the things I have learned:
1. Moms are usually right.
2. Things don't get easier, but, your life experience makes things not such a terrible surprise.
3. Love can and does re-germinate in the barren place you thought dead.
4. Getting older is not so bad.
5. You must learn to forgive others and especially yourself, no-one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, some worse than yours.
6. No Regrets.
7. At some point your body stops co-operating with you and you must learn how to eat properly and exercise.
8. You are never too old for tattoos.
9. People will think you are an adult because you look grown up, but everyone is still a kid inside.
10. Be good to yourself, you are all you've got in the end.

I USED TO DREAM I WAS A HOUSE....

2010-01-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

When I started therapy, I used to have very vivid dreams about buildings, big, empty buildings, skyscrapers that were just the empty shell, old barns with no glass, helicopter flyby scenes of destruction, like my own private hurricane disaster area.Yesterday I got a look inside someone elses hurricane disaster area from the past and it took me right back to my own GROUND ZERO. It was a surprise, I didn't expect to open my eyes and see the total destruction I thought I had repaired, up close and personal again. It wasn't raw, I mean 9 years of Primal Scream/Gestalt does actually heal some pain, it was more the realization that no matter how far away you get from it, it will always be a part of your landscape. There is no rebuilding on this spot. There is only acceptance of what happened and a survey of new ground to break in the hopes it does not happen again, or at least if it does, your foundation will hold.

2010-01-27T15:30:00.000-08:00

I have been dreaming of the open sky again. The idea of a road trip, a journey, anywhere. Just get in a car and go. Get on a plane and fly. It is calling me, this traveling dream. I usually get this way when I am in school and things are locked in, I am locked in to the routine and can't get out until the end...Dreams of Paris... Spain...Japan...Mexico....hot summer nights on a beach with a sparkling sky and a dreamy full moon...or a return to the frontier way of life, building a cabin with my own two hands from nothing...lovingly placing shingles on my roof and baking bread while my garden grows..spending the evenings snuggled up in a cozy bed, reading to my love by candle light...listening to the Cyotes outside howl mournful respite at the black sky.

2010-01-22T18:53:00.000-08:00

So...today has been a mix of emotions..I got to sleep in a little this morning (8:30) and much to my surprise Godzilla, my upstairs neighbor, didn't wake me at 7am tromping from his bed to the bathroom and back a million times. I did however roll over into the very pensive face of my cat Bruce, who was waiting not so patiently for me to get up and turn the bathtub tap on because he doesn't have any thumbs to do it himself ..sucker!!...the coffee was good.....the radio was sad, I contemplated not going to class today but at the last minuet, talked myself into it and actually had a really good class. I have a love hate relationship with CAD class...it teaches me new and exciting things..but I forget them really fast and get frustrated when it won't do what I want it to. I think Deadwood is making me depressed. I have watched the entire first season in about 3 days and now I feel like drinkin' 'till I puke or get in a fight, joining a brothel, or beatin' up a fool for his stash of gold. 'Cause I aint good with a gun.I am also having trouble not swearing like a fuckin' cocksucker...

THE PLACES LIFE TAKES US...

2010-01-13T20:10:00.000-08:00

These days are passing with relative ease...I am finding the time to get work done and have time to myself. I think I am spending too much time on the computer, but I haven't given over to the 24 hour porn gods yet so I think I'm ok! I talk to B a few times a day now and we chat online. So often I am amazed at how deeply we are connected. I am careful to gush simply because this thing that is happening is precious to me, I want to keep it. I don't need to extol the virtues of falling in Love, not this time...keep it secret, keep it safe....I don't want it to go away like the other times. What have I learned from past love? Speak your mind always ... everything , fears, hopes, plans, non-plans, sex, life, love.....Be in it...don't just think you have something to go on, really know it, sit with it, exist in the moment with it..if it is real you will be able to feel it without having to describe it a thousandfold to yourself and everyone who will hear you. I know I've got something so remarkable, someone so special... my love grows every day....I feel calm. I feel sure. But most of all I feel Loved Back...

2010-01-09T08:57:00.001-08:00

2010-01-09T08:48:00.001-08:00

THE LONG DARK TEA-TIME OF THE SOUL...

2010-01-07T21:12:00.000-08:00

Well. My flight was at 7am not 7pm, and the night before I realized I had lost my passport, and didn't know how I was to get on the plane. After being on hold for like a half an hour a cranky french Canadian lady told me I had to report it stolen and produce the police report to the airline. Great, I just love cops. Seeing as how the scar from my last run in with police hasn't faded totally away( another story for another day) I was not really thinking they would be helpful. But they were. Friendly in fact. And, dare I admit it, kind of cute. L was helpful and drove me, and when we got home made yet another fantastic meal. I seriously want her to be my personal chef, but don't have the money to bribe her yet.YET. So I got on the plane, and there were no screaming children near me, which is a family curse of mine, but in my haste to make my next flight I left my very expensive camera on the plane. Poo. I was so tired by the time I got home I didn't even clean up the kitty barf until after I had a nap and about 10 glasses of water.Being home is really not all it's cracked up to be. Sure I like time alone. Sure I like the quiet, when I am not secretly wishing the guy upstairs, who I have nick-named Godzilla, would spontaneously combust...My cats are darling but not really a substitute for the One I Love. So I write. I draw and I hope for the miracle of a magic plane ticket to bring him here by my side.

TIME.....

2009-12-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

This week had been interesting. Meeting family is never really easy, and thankfully B's folks are real nice. I finally started to relax around everyone enough to be myself a bit more. I don't know where I got this idea that you have to be so formal around other poeple's adults, but it is definitely detrimental to my brain being ok. I guess I revert back to being a child, and really really wanting the approval of the parental units, I mean I do feel like I am ok, and that I am worthy, and that people will like me, I just get WIGGY ok? also showing up out of nowhere, on the doorstep of the parents was not something I really thought about in advance, so it felt weird. Got hooked on ANGEL at Laura's house. She is B's best friend and DAMN She makes THE Best Cherry pie I have EVER tasted!! She and I had fun yesterday walking down by Lake Ontario, it is so big, it does actually fool me a bit into thinking I am at the ocean. No it doesn't smell the same, but there is beach and waves and endless flat horizon.Pictures to follow, at some point.....

AND SO...

2009-12-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

I tried my hardest to fool B, but alas, it did not quite work...he was happy, don't get me wrong, who wouldn't be? but I did not get the hyperventilating, falling over OH MY GOD, that I had hoped for. I flew out Monday morning and spent most of the day on a huge plane. Probably that largest I have been on, I can't remember how big the plane to Europe was, and the messages were all announced in English, French and Mandarin, which for me, made me feel like I was in a science fiction movie about the future..cue .. WILLIAM GIBSON...or NEAL STEPHENSON...anyway, Toronto is huge and confusing, but lively and interesting, I bought a turquoise trapper hat that looks like a muppet died and landed on my head ( perfect) and we went and saw AVATAR. Woke up with a cold. Watched a cool show on Space..drinking coffee and being mellow..

MINDING THE CHILDREN

2009-12-16T09:51:00.000-08:00

I have decided to try and make it to Cortez for Christmas and had the insane idea that someone would want to take care of my cats over Christmas just for fun...ha! I love my little monsters. I did find someone, 2 people in fact, so the image in my head of them starting to eat each other because there is no food gently fades into the past.........Bruce is the one lying down and Luccia is the one on the zebra ( fake) carpet.

THE TIDE RELEASED....

2009-12-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

School has wound down now, I only have 3 days left. B has gone back to Toronto for Christmas, which is a two sided thing. I miss his presence, his smell, his touch. More importantly, I know now, down to a cellular level, that he loves me. I know this because the thing I miss the most is the way he looks at me. There is everything in that look, love, desire, pride, appreciation, humor, strength.
The calm has settled over me, I made it. I didn't explode ( too much) and I didn't give up. I didn't sabotage myself. Yes I did neglect my best friends for a bit, but I am good at sucking up! anyway, onward, forever onward.

DAY OF BLAH...

2009-11-20T10:52:00.000-08:00

These days I feel trapped. Trapped by my routine, held fast by linear time, with no way out.....never enough time, never enough sleep, never enough money, never enough space...no choice except to keep going...chasing the falling balls I seem to be juggling madly...I want to rest. I want to sleep. I want to not worry about what to make for dinner, or what time I have to get up in the morning...I always have to be somewhere.......I realized after getting a letter from Connie that I have not even read the journal I did while I was at Nada, nor have I really thought about my time there or what experiences I had...I know I have chosen this life right now, and that in the end it is all for me, but I am trying to find the peace in this right now but it's hard...

QUIET MORNINGS....

2009-11-07T08:50:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been feeling like life is a freight train that I can't seem to jump off of..it feels good, it feels scary and it sometimes exhausts me to the point of catatonia, but here I am, moving forward. Living with Brian has become lovely, I fear I am getting used to having him around! Trusting myself and my instincts has been a challenge, since my track record has not been that great! but for what it's worth, I am happy. I am broke. I am in love. and Life is propelling me forward, like it or not!

SO MANY THINGS....

2009-10-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

well I have been on a whirlwind tour of my life lately.....went to Colorado and stayed in a Hermitage for two weeks alone, started my last year of school, fell in Love. I have a new computer now too which is a dream. I am planning on moving to Toronto in June of 2010, the boy if from there and I have a better chance of getting an awesome design job there, it's only a little more cutting edge than Victoria!!! ha ha ha....more later.......

MOVING FORWARD

2009-07-16T17:49:00.000-07:00

things have been buisy and hard these past few weeks. I have been very tired.
I moved, which is great. I am still getting used to the sounds and smells of the new place...where the hell did all the huge black flies come from? was the Devil living here before and forgot to clean up the body? Being on this side of the building has been amazing..It's like a totally different building altogether! so quiet! I have been working alot and I was excepted to go to Nada in the Colorado Mountains for two weeks..I am going mid August. It should be interesting..to say the least! out there in the middle of nature with nothing but the hermatige and the wide open world.

THINGS ARE SETTLING DOWN..

2009-06-05T10:06:00.001-07:00

I have found a cheaper place to live, just across the hall! I should say it found me. I have my wonderful Father to thank for some more financial help, so I will not suffer for my second year of school. I feel more at peace now than I have in a while. I'm o.k.

AAKKK

2009-06-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

so this week I am feeling a little less frazzled. I am going to move July 1st, just across the hall, so something to look forward to. School is coming to a close soon and I have a trip to Seattle to look forward to. Thank God, Dad has agreed to co-sign for more credit for me to live on while I tackle my second year. I hope that I can be a little more organized this year coming up, and maybe get some more painting and art done as well as my studies.

TRYING A NEW CHAPTER

2009-05-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

This picture of Frida Kahlo is so achingly beautiful. She is so regal and confident about herself, I find it inspiring. I am struggling for inspiration these days, having done a great painting and then started another that is not so great I can't seem to see past what it looks like now to what I could do to it to change the look. I might have to white it out and start again. SIGH. School is plodding along..I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay with the program! I do sound like I am complaining alot these days, which I hardly ever do, but I am not really right in the head right now so it has to go somewhere! It's not like I feel crazy or dramatic or anything, I just feel there is something not"RIGHT" about my life. I think that I am not patient when it comes to me and myself in regards to the fact that yeah, I have a broken heart, yeah I have had the same job for 8 years, yeah I hate my apartment and understanding what it is that I can change to help myself and my situation.

2009-04-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

NOT A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME...

2009-04-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a little while since I have written but all of my enthusiasm seems to have gone out the window. I did go to Regina for a week. I came home 3 days early. I got food poisoning and Shawn and I decided we are not going to work. I am heartbroken. I had not truely let someone in for so long I had foolishly forgotten the price for all of the highs you feel in Love! I will say that it WAS WORTH IT. It is always worth it, for if you cannot open your heart to love your heart will never open. I loved him more freely than anyone I have ever loved, I was myself with him more than I had ever been with a man. Best of all I believe he loved me back.
So, I am not moving to the Praries. I am now struggling to find good roots here again, having started to dig them up and seperate for the move, I find I am a bit lost as to where I want to be and what I am going to do......I have work ( thank God!) and I have another year of school to think about. Least of all are my worries about love...it will find me again..I can love....I am loveable....onward I go.......

5 MORE SLEEPS!

2009-03-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

I leave on Friday morning to go to Regina for ten days! I am definitely looking forward to having a break from school and going to see my sweetie. It sounds like Matt wants to stay in the house which means having a roommate if we stay there too, which I don't mind the idea of. It's just been a while since I've had to live with anyone, let alone a boyfriend and a roomate. I don't think it will be a problem except that he has a really cool cat that will be there too and we all know Luccia and how spazzy she is. Shawn doesn't like her, and I try not to take it personally but I screwed her up as a kitten because I was so needy and I feel she really has to stay with me. I love her and she is part and parcel with me so I guess I will wait and see what happens! anyway, it's a good sign that the only thing I am worried about is cats getting along! ha ha. I hope Melissa will be able to pick me up from the airport if Shawn is working...I want to go to Weyburn anyway and it would be cool for her and me to have a visit. sigh....exams and presentations this week......

2009-03-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

AAAKKKKK!!!

2009-03-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

This week has gone by so quickly and so slowly at the same time! I have been really sick, not able to go to school or really do anything and it is driving me MAD. I have been going through all of my stuff and "pruning" , getting rid of stuff I don't think I really need anymore. I must admit it is a lot easier than I thought it would be! I keep flashing to when I was leaving Victoria to join Lyle in Ottawa ( 1991) and how I was trying to cram 'just one more book" into my huge already stuffed army Duffel bag that Tommy gave me. I took so much unnecessary crap with me then! I knew this only when I had to cart it all back with me later.uhg. I am still excited though. Every time I come here to blog I see the photo I have there of the wide open space and I get a thrill.....that space is calling to me to explore it...I can't wait.......

THE BEGINNING..

2009-03-05T16:56:00.000-08:00

It's funny, I thought I had decided for sure to move later than January, but looking at my blog I realize I knew before I KNEW. Almost everyone I tell has the same reply when I tell them I am moving to Regina: WHY???????? It makes me laugh because they all have the same puzzled WTF looks on their faces.....so I asked myself why? my answer was why not? Yes, it's as cold as a Yeti's testicles there in the winter, but at least there are real seasons. The winter is the winter no matter where you are, and I would rather spend the winter with my loved one in sub-zero -death-wind than the rainy wintry thing we get here, completely alone. Yes I know I am not ALONE, alone, I have my dear friends and family, but I have had the good fortune of being touched by something I thought would never cross my path again.LOVE. Not just a capitol L but the whole freakin' word. LOVE. I am a person who is highly adaptable, I can work anywhere. I want to try a new place for a while. I need to go and explore some new life, new people, new culture. Yes there is culture in Regina, and at least there "artist" is not a dirty word! Most of all, I want to spend time with the person who makes me feel like a better version of myself, just for having him in my life. Someone who demands nothing less than being completely honest and yourself to the world, even if that means making people uncomfortable by forcing them to question their own honesty and integrity. To practice living a real life, present and accounted for.

2009-01-31T02:38:00.000-08:00

love has lasted all this time and all this effort. maybe it's actually for real! I am moving to Saskatchewan for love in July. We shall see.....

2008-10-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

today love is soft and comforting. The delicious grey of an early morning. The crispness of the October air off my balcony. tomorrow it's for real and I can't wait.

Hmmmmm....

2008-10-17T07:51:00.000-07:00

it is funny...just when you think you have love figured out, it shows you yet another part of yourself. Perhaps it is that I think too much on the subject and don't let it be.
These are the things I know for sure about love: it is strong. It can heal and it can hurt. You cannot love and not know heartbreak, but the risks are worth it. "It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all" is sound advice as cliche as it sounds. Love makes us more human. It can give us the strength to do things we might not have normally done. For me specifically, lately I have been shown the lengths I will go to for love (when I love someone I mean). and what lengths someone will go to for me. It astounds me that Shawn is willing to pack up and re-locate to where I am because of his love for me. I waffle between amazed elation and feeling like its crazy! In the late of the night, in the dark I wonder at it like it is an alien thing bizzare and glittering. Four days to try it out for real.......

TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF

2008-09-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

I have decided to change the format of my blog and make it about my experiences with love. how it effects me and my view of the world as well as new discoveries about my self and others because of it.

Exciting and New

2008-08-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

love has struck me dumb these past few months. I didn't actually believe I would be so lucky as to find the trueness of it ever again.I speculate wether I ever really found it before, in truth. This time it is not a fairytale I have projected onto another poor victim, it is the reality of love. Bumps and all, honesty, joy, laughter, tears, seriuosness, folly, poetry and music and some work. It is lovely.graceful as it is funny, old as it is new. We have knnow eachother in a past life I know it. How else can you explain the 'rightness' of it? the fit of ourselves into a journey together............sigh...........

2008-07-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

there is freedom within love. A freedom I have never felt before. It is beautiful. I can stretch my wings, exersise my mind, flex my heart muscle to extend to everyone and everything including myself. ....which is new for me.The idea that I am with someone who's main delight in me is watching me be the fullest human I can be is mind blowing. I know no fear. I know no bounds. Neither does my love.

2008-05-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

I feel today like I am the girl of endless possibilities. I can be who I am , I can do what I want, I can follow my heart, I can love. I was even compassionate towards the evil city workers who decided to saw down a tree right next to my building and then chip it all at around 8 am!! thats what happens when you have a day off in the middle of the week. It's not that quiet! anyway, dressed in red, rode my bike to the book store to sell some books and then went to china town to have an iced mocha and a huge slice of carrot cake. just because.

2008-04-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

things have been moving very fast for me this last week! It is amazing how the universe opens up to you when you have made the right decisions. I have left Pete. It was something that I knew was coming but I have been in situations like this before and never had the nerve to say "my life path and me are more important than this". Pete moved most of his stuff out last monday/tuesday and then the landlord said he could rent our place for the first of May so I could move down a floor into a one bedroom right away! THANK YOU..........its so lovely of a one bedroom. good size, dining room nook ( sewing station methinks), balcony, new appliances, $760.00. I still care very much what happens to Pete and I hope that he and I can maintain some kind of relationship. I am so looking forward to single life. I think I am going to become a Nun of sorts. I am also considering Vegitarianism. I just know my spiritual side will fill and grow as I get to know myself better.

2008-04-11T22:19:00.001-07:00

So I started a drawing yesterday and it is disturbing me. It is of a little girl holding some flowers in her hand but the other arm ends in a stump. I am exploring water colours and it is a lovely way to layer colour and get depth, especially in fabric. What is she waiting for? lately I have felt like praying but what do you say to someone you haven't spoken to for 20 some odd years? Gahhhh..........